


Grief

by elynne



Series: The Warden's Path [4]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Alistair manages to be comforting and awkward at the same time, Comfort, Cousland family massacre, F/M, Grief, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-02
Updated: 2012-07-02
Packaged: 2017-11-09 00:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/449156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elynne/pseuds/elynne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natalia Cousland lost her entire family in one night, to betrayal at the hands of a false friend. Since then she's been thrown from one crisis to another with barely enough time to breathe. Eventually, the nightmares catch up... will she have to fight the darkness in her mind alone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief

A churning sea of torches, bestial screams and grunts filling a huge cavern in a river of death and fire. Overhead, a colossal creature flapped, then threw its gaunt, skeletal head back and roared, the noise deafening, almost forming words, whispering, coaxing, malicious...

Natalia struggled awake, gasping. For several minutes she lay in her tent, doing her best to calm her breathing and not dwell on the images from the dream sent by the darkspawn taint. She rolled over, then over again, and finally sighed quietly. Quickly, she slipped on leggings, tunic, and boots, then grabbed her sword and cloak. 

Emerging from the tent, she hooked her sword-belt around her waist, then pulled the cloak around her shoulders. Pausing for a moment, she listened to the quiet pop and hiss of the banked fire, while she watched the other tents, fearful... and also hopeful. But if any of her traveling companions were troubled by dreams, or noticed her restlessness, they did not emerge from their tents. Natalia bit her lip, then shrugged under the cloak and moved off across the campsite.

Sten was, of course, on watch. She waved to his immobile form, and saw a glint of moonlight on metal as he nodded in return, giving no other reply. Of all the companions she had gathered, he was the one she could absolutely trust to be completely incurious, and to leave her alone when she roamed the camp at night, as long as there was no sound of disturbance.

There was more than enough moonlight to make her way to the spot her Mabari hound had chosen for his night's rest. As she approached, Tobias lifted his head, then made a happy whuffling sound and stood up, stubby tail wagging as he trotted up to meet her. His friendly greeting made Natalia smile. She sat down with her back against a stump, facing outwards to the dark forest, rubbing Tobias' head. Catching his mistress' mood, the hound whined softly, then sat next to her and leaned against her side.

“Sorry to wake you up, Toby,” she said, bumping her forehead against the dog's. “I had bad dreams again. And then... couldn't get back to sleep. I was thinking about... home.” 

Tobias peered at her for a moment, then sighed and lay down on the ground, his head on her lap. Natalia scratched his ears as she talked, but the dog did not fall asleep again, instead watching her face alertly.

“I need to talk about it,” she said. “Even to you. To somebody. And, who can I talk to now? I mean... yes, Leliana is a good friend, but she's very – wrapped up in religion, and I don't think I could handle being told about the Maker's plan, or the Maker's mercy.” In spite of herself, Natalia spat the word out with a scowl. “And Alistair... he'd understand, about the dreams definitely, and maybe about my family, but... I think he... well. He seems to be really awkward around me, and I heard him talking to Leliana yesterday, so. I don't know.

“But this is about home, Toby. About my – my parents, my home, my family.” Suddenly she sobbed and buried her face in the hound's shoulder for a minute, while her body shook. “Why did he do that?” she wailed, as quietly as she could manage. “Why did that, that monster, why did he kill everybody? Oren, he was only seven! And Nan... he killed my nanny! An old lady in the kitchen, cut down with a sword!” Natalia clenched her teeth, hands curling in Tobias' fur, until he whined quietly. With an effort, she relaxed her fingers, then lifted her head and went back to gently rubbing his ears.

“I'll kill him,” she said, her voice sounding eerily calm, even to herself. “I'm keeping my family sword, and I promised Mother. I'll use it to cut his lying head off.” Natalia glanced at the sheathed sword lying by her side, then shook her head. “But that won't bring them back, I know.

“Sometimes I wish the darkspawn would just kill me,” she said, staring off into the darkness. The dog whimpered, and she looked down with a twisted smile. “I can't let them, don't worry. I get into a fight, and I forget how unhappy I am, the training takes over and I fight until they're all dead or beaten, and it's only afterward that I realize that I just missed another chance at peace. And when I'm not in a fight... well, you know. I can't just walk into a river, or stick my sword in my chest. I'm one of the last Grey Wardens. I have a Maker-damned job to do.” Natalia sighed heavily. “And either the job will kill me, or someday it'll be done, or at least I'll find somebody else who's willing to shoulder it for me, and maybe then I can find peace.” She frowned, thinking for a moment, then shook her head. 

“No... that's not right. Unless – until – I find Fergus, I'm the last of the Couslands, I need to carry on the line. With all that means. Can I even do that as a Grey Warden? And there's only one person I can think of that I'd want to, but I don't know if he would... if I can't find anybody to carry on the line with, at least I have to honor my family's name. Which means justice for Howe, at the end of my sword if possible. And not taking the easy way out.” 

In the dark forest, Natalia listened to the quiet squeaks and rustles. Far away, the call of an owl drifted through the moon-cast shadows. 

“But it's so hard,” she said, her voice dropping to a murmur. “This pain... I carry it with me every day, it's like a backpack full of rocks, and I just have to keep on. I tell myself to be strong. I remember what Mother said, and Father, and... and Nan, and Ser Gilmore. I think of them standing behind me, lifting my arms, helping me carry the burden. Every time I'm tempted to be greedy, or selfish, or cowardly, I think of Nan looking over my shoulder, or what Father would say.” Tears were spilling down her face freely now, glistening in the moonlight. 

“Toby... did you forget them? Do you remember them, too?” The hound looked up at her for a minute, then gave a long, sighing whine, and leaned his head against her hand. “Yes, I thought you'd remember. You and me, Toby. We're in this together. I'm so happy that you survived... I'm not sure I would have the strength to do what I have to without somebody who understands.”

Lapsing into silence, she returned to staring into the wilderness, leaving her thoughts unvoiced, as the pair sat unmoving for some time. Abruptly, the dog's head snapped up, and he turned to look in the direction of the camp, his ears pricked forward. Tobias gave a short, quiet almost-bark, then thumped his tail on the ground twice. Natalia blinked at him, then put her hand on her sword's hilt and rubbed her eyes with the edge of her cloak before turning her head. “Sten? There's nothing out here, no problems. I'll keep watch on this side...”

Her voice trailed off and she frowned, as a figure stood up from the brush behind her. Turning her head some more, she recognized Alistair, between the banked fire glowing behind him and the moon shining in his face. Natalia wondered briefly if he could see her scowl as she half-turned away.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't listening,” he said, his voice falling into the familiar, too-fast cadence as his mouth tried to run ahead of his mind. “I mean, I heard, but I wasn't trying to. I didn't come out here to sneak around and spy on you. Er... honestly...” 

“I believe you,” Natalia interrupted. “I'm sorry if I woke you up. I'll be quieter.” She turned her back on him, horrified to realize that fresh tears were leaking from her eyes. If she raised her hand to wipe at her face, he'd see, and she didn't think she could take one of his smartass comments right then.

“No, you didn't wake me up,” he said. There was a rustling behind her, and she heard him take a few steps closer. “The dreams woke me up. Then I heard you leave your tent, and I thought... you might want to, I don't know. Talk about them. So after a few minutes I followed you. But when I got out here, I realized you were talking to Tobias, and then I – got stuck.” 

Natalia sniffled, and glanced back over her shoulder. “Stuck? In a trap?”

“Um... no, I'm just...” Alistair shrugged. “You know, I'm not good at sneaking, and I didn't want to bother you, and if I tried to leave I was...” Now his voice fell into the singsong tone of self-mockery. “I was afraid that if you heard me, you'd think I was spying on you. So, of course, the longer I sat there, the more I heard. Truly, I'm sorry.”

Natalia sat still for a moment, then shrugged, turning her head to look back out at the forest. “It's all right. I believe you.”

“Oh... good,” he said, then stopped. The moment stretched out into silence. When Alistair spoke again, his voice breaking the stillness made Natalia jump slightly. “Er... may I sit with you?”

For a moment, Natalia wondered if she was going to do something completely stupid, like faint or have a heart attack. It was hard for her to catch her breath, and she felt like her heart was trying to pound its way out of her chest. She swallowed, then nodded. “If you want to, it's... yes.” 

“Thank you.” Alistair stepped up to her side and settled on the ground next to her, close enough so they could speak quietly without actually touching. “I get so wrapped up in my own troubles, I forget that you're not exactly having a great time of it either,” he said softly.

“Everybody has lost somebody,” Natalia said, trying to sound gruff. “The world is a dark, dangerous place right now, and...” She trailed off into silence, wincing at herself. 

“Your family wasn't killed by darkspawn, you were betrayed.” Alistair's voice was rough and angry. “Arl Howe tore your life apart and took everything away from you to feed his own ambition. I won't – we won't let him get away with that. It must be frustrating, that this whole Grey Warden thing is keeping you from finding peace for your family's name.”

“He'll wait a while longer,” Natalia said bitterly. “I'll come back to him with an army behind me, and stick his head on a pike.”

“We can put it up next to Teryn Loghain's. I'm sure they'll get along famously... they have so much in common.”

In spite of her anger and grief, Natalia burst out laughing at the image. She clapped her hands over her mouth, afraid that her noise had woken up the entire camp, Alistair watching with a bemused expression. She hoped it would still after a minute, but instead the giggles turned to quiet sobs. Natalia covered her face with her hands, unable to stop her tears, horrified at herself for the display of weakness.

The gentle hand on her shoulder almost startled her, but not quite. After a moment's hesitation, Natalia felt his arm press around her shoulders. Even the half-embrace was more comfort and sympathy than she had experienced since leaving her home. Forcing her pride away, she turned her head towards Alistair's chest and leaned against him, completely helpless to stop the flood of tears that threatened to drown her. He said nothing, only put his other arm around her and rested his chin on her head. Tobias stayed where he was, his comforting bulk warming her legs.

After a while, Natalia's grief began to ebb, and she sighed, wiping her eyes but making no move to sit up. “Thank you,” she said, her voice muffled against Alistair's chest.

“It's the very least I can do,” he said quietly. She could feel his breath on the top of her head, and shivered slightly as she felt a moment of pressure that could only be a kiss on her hair. “You listened, and helped me hold it together after the battle at Ostagar. We're all that's left, and I believe in you, to be our leader. My leader.” He paused, as if he was thinking of saying something else, then squeezed her shoulders and released her.

“But, you know, more marching tomorrow – still a ways to go to Redcliffe.” His voice became light and cheery again as he scrambled to his feet. “Plenty of darkspawn to fight on the way, never a dull moment really. We should get more sleep.” Awkwardly, he tried to assist her in standing up, and in the darkness managed to step on her cloak instead, coming close to knocking her back to the ground. It took them a minute to get untangled, while Tobias bounced happily around them, occasionally nudging a leg with his head in hopes that one of them would get the idea that he would like some play time. 

Just as they were managing to find their balance, desperately trying to stifle their laughter, a huge shape loomed up out of the darkness. Natalia let out an undignified squeak and nearly fell over again, while Alistair stumbled sideways, fumbling for his sword with an incoherent yell. Tobias stood his ground, barking once and then sitting down to scratch at an ear.

“If it was your intention to alert everything within three miles of where we are camped, then you have succeeded admirably,” Sten's voice rumbled. He stood and watched with folded arms as the pair sheepishly returned to their tents. 

Before ducking inside, Natalia looked back and saw Alistair watching her with an expression she couldn't identify in the dim light of the fire. Then he flashed his familiar grin and winked, before disappearing inside his tent. Settled in her bedroll again, the image of his smile seemed to linger, drawing her into the Fade with promises of much better dreams for what remained of the night.


End file.
